My high school experience has been filled with happiness, hardship, but most of all, hormones. Here’s a collection of my top 10 crushes, both in passing and in passion.
Names have been changed to protect the identities of the crushes. This list is in chronological order, not a ranked sequence in terms of likability. It should be known that I dislike all of my crushes equally.
- Calculus Boy
My feelings for Calculus Boy were shallow and brief (the lifespan of two weeks). He sat behind me in biology during freshman year and he was insanely good at math, which intrigued me. Other than that, nothing happened. He was quite annoyed with me the majority of the time. He now sits behind me in my economy class.
- Ukulele Boy
Funnily enough, Ukulele Boy was close friends with Calculus Boy. I’m a homie hopper, I know. He charmed me with his music and we ended up doing a few duets together. This one actually liked me back but I didn’t find out until years later. He has a girlfriend now and they are actually really cute together.
- Keshi Boy
Keshi Boy was one of my best friends prior to becoming my first boyfriend. I had all of my juvenile firsts with him. Honestly, he was the one that got away. Even though he introduced me to Keshi, the trademark musician representing toxic boys, none of his other qualities raised red flags. We ended up splitting right before homecoming sophomore year. It was a messy split but we are now on civil terms (I think).
- Bike Boy
Bike Boy and I bonded over playing Minecraft together every day. I fell hard and fast, and I thought he did too, but he completely ghosted me out of nowhere. We went on one date and he thought I was weird after that, but it’s okay because everyone needs to experience rejection at least once in their lives. He later got back with his ex-girlfriend. They’re cute together, though. And I really like his girlfriend.
- New Jersey Boy
New Jersey Boy is a distant memory to me. We met over the summer after sophomore year and nothing much came of those two months. We were killing time with each other and I’m 99% sure he was talking to 10 girls at once. This one didn’t hurt that bad considering I clearly have a history as well.
- Martial Arts Boy
Martial Arts Boy was the first person I think I ever loved (unfortunately). I learned basic Mandarin to speak to his family, wrote him songs and poured my heart out into our relationship. Things were great until he cheated on me (with multiple girls). He still tries to contact me but I threatened to file a restraining order against him. He sent me a $50 apology through Venmo when I turned 18. I should’ve asked for more money to compensate for therapy costs. Tara (my best friend) hated him from the start and I should have listened to her.
- Squishmallow Boy
Squishmallow Boy was the one who convinced me to break up with my ex while we were still together, which I am extremely thankful for. I couldn’t have found the strength myself. He was just too tired of hearing me cry about a guy who treated me badly, and to be honest, I would’ve been tired of it too. He bought and mailed me a teal leopard Squishmallow to make me feel better (or shut up). The feelings were reciprocated but things didn’t work out because I was still down bad for the aforementioned Martial Arts Boy.
- Communication Hills Boy
I thought Communication Hills Boy was cute since I met him in Mrs. Molfino’s English class in ninth grade but I never did anything about it until twelfth grade. I was apprehensive because one of his good friends had a crush on me, but the bond of bros has never stopped me. I texted him while hysterically crying on a bad day and he picked me up and got me McDonald’s. Then, we went to Communication Hills and we listened to music in the rain. It was picturesque. This crush was very short-lived but if he’s reading this, I wouldn’t mind if he called me.
- Opens Car Doors Boy
I was having a horrible time at this year’s homecoming (I lost homecoming queen and my friends left early) so I decided to dip before it ended. Opens Car Doors Boy was parked and saw me walking alone like a loser and he offered me a ride (and he opened his car door for me, which a man has never done for me before). We awkwardly chilled at the park in our semi-formal clothes. We went out for a friendly dinner after months of missing plans and he told me he wasn’t interested after that, which was fine. I tend to flirt with people to pass the time anyway.
- Injured Boy
Injured Boy is Open Car Doors Boy’s best friend. He is an athlete and he broke his toe the day before I cut things off with him. Maybe it was a bad omen. Before that, he was the definition of chivalry, held my hand and only allowed me to walk on the inside of the sidewalk. What ruined it was the fact that he has extreme commitment issues and his frat-boy personality gave me the ick, like, push-ups in the library ick. He also told his friends, behind my back, that he didn’t care about me. I simply called him while he was hopped up on anesthetics and said we should stop speaking. I hope his toe heals, I guess.
Honorable Mention: Prom Boy
Following the release of this article, Prom Boy hit me up and allowed me to include him in this list by name. We met in freshmen year but he was so mean to me that I couldn’t handle it, but one day in senior year we started talking again. On a whim, Tristan Mai and I planned to be each other’s prom dates since we shared a mutual attraction. Our plans were thwarted by none other than his mother. His mom found my Instagram and thought that I was distasteful and presented myself too… scantily clad. She banned him from seeing me like a tragic “Romeo and Juliet” story. I was really sad because I rejected two other people to go out with Tristan and we ended up not even going together. To be honest, it ended up working out because our proms were on the same night in different places. I still love you even if your mom did me wrong, Tris.
Categories: Class of 2022